Thursday, December 29, 2011

Technical Support And A Customer

I worked in technical support at Silicon Graphics about a year ago, and I was part of the group that was first in line to handle problem calls. Oh, joy. Being only eighteen at the time, my experience in the field of technical support was somewhat limited, but I could still handle my own.
Now, as you may or may not know, SGI sells top of the line computers used in many different industries. On average, they're about three times as expensive as personal PCs and are meant to be used by professionals in the industries they're used in.

Anyway, the following call came in:
Customer: "I just received an Onyx yesterday, and I tried to set it up today and it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "It just doesn't boot up?"
Customer: "It doesn't even turn on. I see nothing on the screen, and the fan doesn't even turn on in the back of the system."
Tech Support: "Is the monitor functioning? Is there a little green light in the lower right corner of the monitor?"
Customer: "Yes, there is."
Tech Support: "Ok, is the computer plugged in?"
Customer: (irritated) "Look, I think I know how to set up a system. I'm a college graduate, you know."
Tech Support: "Ok, let me finish typing up this report, and I'll send it off. You will get a reply within one business day."
Customer: (exasperated) "Thank you. Geez, I mean I paid a huge amount of money for this computer. The least you people can do it make sure it works before sending it to me!"
Customer: "I mean, to add to the poor quality control, you even sent me one extra power cord."
Tech Support: "One extra cord?"
Customer: "Yes, it looks just the one I used to plug in the monitor and computer, but that's all you sent to me. I have no use for this other one."
At this point, I thought I should inquire a little more...but use a bit of tact to do so.
Tech Support: "Sir, can you double check the serial number on the back of your computer?"
Customer: "On the back of the computer?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir."
Customer: (sigh) "All right, all right, hold on..."
I heard a few muffled grunts as he crawled over his desk to see the back of the computer. He repeated the serial number from the sticker. I didn't bother to verify it.
Tech Support: "Thank you, sir. Oh, by the way, can you check to see if the computer is plugged in?"
Dead silence. I could just picture the man's face when he realized that the computer was never plugged in in the first place and that the "extra" power cord he was holding in his hand was for the computer. I didn't wait for a response from him. I thanked him for calling, hung up, and closed the case.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

First Job Funny

"A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."

Thursday, December 22, 2011

4 Sons


These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Monday, December 19, 2011

A Funny Story Just For You

funny story

How many people realize this scenario: you are acquiring set up to depart the job site after a long day of back breaking does work and your reboots are absolutely awful in trade show displays. Do you just jump out in and tear off down the street or arrange you leave your boots in the bed and drive house in your socks? Or how approximately this one: You pull up to the soccer catch to pick up the kids and they aspect like they have been in a mud stomping challenger. Either way, your rug is approximately to accept a dangerous amazing! Or truss possibly not.

Welcome to the conceptions logo floor mats purchasing lead! We are going to present any solvents here to the above problems. Today, these floor mats will not resolve completely of your troubles. They will not abbreviate the grass for you and they absolutely can't block off your close from stealing your newspaper. What they are going to do is hold on your rug protected from completely of the dirt and stain that amasses on your shoes.

We have broken away this purchasing lead up into three divisions Carpeted, Rubber/Plastic, and Metal (Yes, metal floor mats up). Carpeted floor mats are, of course, covered up in exhibit booths rug. Rubber/Plastic floor mats are any sort of rubber or plastic stuff. A lot of these still offer big security and are generally lighter to clean. The floor mats are created of metal. They are a lot of the hardest on the commercialized and offer difficult good looks that are difficult to pass up.

Friday, December 16, 2011

The Interesting Story About Christmas

There's little more than a month to go before Christmas and while most people know Santa doesn't travel by airplane, try telling an aviation enthusiast that! If you've got a brother, sister, mum or dad that is mad about all things aviation, then maybe you should think about the following gifts this Christmas. Even if you don't follow the same interest as your gift-receiver, you should still find out what their favourite airplane is. Aviation has had some absolutely fascinating engineering conquests in its time, from the incredibly large modern A380 commercial Airbus to the legendary Spitfire - which played a crucial part in the Second World War.

You can easily get replica scaled-models of these planes from many outlets and toy shops that will sit well on any shelf. For a puzzle enthusiast you can also get an array of aircraft. Finally, for younger persons or children you could even get them an Airfix or Lego kit so they can have a go at building their own aircraft! The most common fancy tale that everyone tells, particularly to children, is about Santa Claus, also called St. Nicholas. But even if it were accepted that Santa Claus existed, where does he live and how is he able to get to all the houses of good boys and girls on Christmas Eve? In the United States, Santa Claus is said to have two homes. There is a home in Torrington, Connecticut, which is used as a distribution point for Santa and his many helpers, who are elves, to hand out gifts. And then, a second home is said to be located in Wilmington, New York, and that is where Santa Claus and his delivery reindeer crew are located.

A lot of what is widely regarded as true about Christmas or held as a tradition cannot or has not been verified, or, has changed through the years. Even Christmas Day itself, Dec. 25, has been questioned about whether that is the exact day on which Jesus was born. Skeptics have asked why would shepherds be out in the cold watching their flocks by night during the winter. Those skeptics have put forward the thought that Jesus may really have been born in the spring instead. It is therefore little wonder that there are many fancy stories and tales that are told about Christmas and the Christmas season. The tradition of Christmas tree as it exists today comes from Germany by way of immigrants. But it isn't clear how the tradition really gained a foothold in Germany. One story is that Christians in Germany during the 16th century started to bring trees that were decorated into their homes. Some of those Christians would build pyramids for Christmas. The pyramids were made of wood and would be decorated with evergreens and candles if wood was in short supply. If mere mortals got a chance to question Santa, then he also would likely have some questions for us humans. He may want to know whose idea was it to have Christmas trees and for the gifts to be placed under them.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Humorous Stories In Our Life

Recently, while at an online community for women, I read an article that is part of series which makes me laugh very heartily; the interviews Santa's wife. Normally, when we are thinking of Santa's wife, Here we see a hard working, fierce, dare I even say, feminist Mrs. Claus come out of her shell. This is an excellent piece of humor for women that will make you laugh very heartily and have their husbands intrigued by the fierce wife of Santa. She openly puts down Santa when it comes to their work life: Santa is not as hard working as one would thinks it seems. What makes this better yet is that she talks of her more intimate relations with Santa. A priceless gem for women who enjoy humorous reading. Even though she may not be a real woman nor Santa a man, the humor for women in this is excellent. If she were a real woman, I believe many women would look up to her as a role model and also a feminist leader.

Don't get me wrong, she is not a rough woman, she however certainly does enjoy a little role play every once in a while. She thinks that it helps her spice up her relationship with her husband in bed. Then again, if they were real, they would need some variety: they would have been together for an extremely long time. So some role play may occasionally be very fun. By being observant and making notes of daily occurrences, we can find lots of material for our stories. For example, if you are doing presentations on customer service, you encounter examples of good, bad, and, hopefully, superior customer service on a regular basis. Our own lives and experiences offer a wealth of stories. Just remember, that the audience will enjoy hearing about your struggles and failures more than your successes.

For a story to be successful, the plot starts with a status quo, moves into the crisis, and following the climax, nothing is ever the same again. A story provides the perfect venue for making a point, imparting a life message, or teaching a lesson. Comedian Rodney Dangerfield was best known for his self-deprecating humor in his stand up acts, with his famous line "I get no respect." Watch modern-day self-deprecator, Conan O'Brien, as an example of how to make fun of yourself. Conan frequently makes fun of his own hair, his paleness and even his jokes that flop. Tell funny, self-deprecating stories about yourself. People love stories. Another techniques is to have a conversation piece as part of your attire-a piece of jewelry with an interesting back-story, for example. You do the kindness of allowing someone to notice something to talk about and then you can tell the interesting and hopefully humorous story behind the item.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Funny Stories Make People Laugh In Any Situation

There are not a lot of obvious paying markets for your work, and those that there are out there can sometimes be very picky indeed, only accepting and paying for very specific types of story. But don't despair, it is still very possible to get paid for your short fiction, possibly even to make a modest living from it, and you can also use this medium very effectively to help establish a name for yourself as a writer so that you can be more successful with your other work. For example, you can use a witty quote from a hilarious comedy on TV or a famous line from a movie. Those who recognize the reference will appreciate it since it is familiar to them; those who have not heard the quote before will still find the quote amusing. In fact, they may actually think you are quite inventive and full of wit. Memorize and keep an arsenal of good quotes so that you can bring them out when the occasion arrives. All you have to do is go to Google.com and type in "funny stories". You will instantly be presented with great, very entertaining, and sometimes even extremely smart comedy that will cause you to laugh so hard that you will not be able to stop.

The ability to tell a good story is an essential skill to learn -- stories are such a common part of everyday life. If you're like most people, perhaps you've wished that being funny could be effortless and that telling memorable, funny stories could be natural. Perhaps you've envied those who can command a listener's attention at will? The good news is that the ability to tell good, funny stories is a skill that improves with practice. Try the following three tips and you'll be on the road to telling humorous stories! One major reason is because of the enthusiasm he or she conveys. Enthusiasm is linked very closely with confidence. As you are enthusiastic while you tell a story, others will naturally become more engaged with what you say. Try to consciously add enthusiasm to what you say and see what results you get!

The same principle applies for when you tell a joke. When you deliver a story, simply end with a smile and allow your listener to laugh or respond appropriately. If you tell a story that turns out to be less funny than you hope, it's okay because it won't feel like a failed attempt to elicit laughter. Not laughing at your own stories allows you to tell as many stories as you want without worrying about looking foolish. Life is not necessarily a funny comedy. In fact, for some people is extremely difficult to live a life that will be beneficial or fruitful for them. Fortunately, most of us can help them, but in order for that to really take place, what needs to happen is we need to be able to really relax, and help ourselves first. The truth actually is that there is some humor in everything around you. If you are able to notice that humor, if you are able to really utilize the power of laughter in your life, you will not only be happy, you will also make those around you very happy.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Classic Story Of The Little Red Riding Hood

The Classic story of the Little Red Riding Hood has been told in countless ways. From 1922 to 1960s the story has been retold to children in different versions. Aside from the story book versions, Walt Disney's Little Red Riding Hood and The Big Bad Wolf animated movie was launched. It was one of the earliest cartoon movies of Disney's. Now, 2011, a new era of Little Red Riding Hood will surely erupt. With Warner Brothers planning to make another version of the classic story, the Hooded Girl will again rock the dance floor this Halloween. For sure, versions of Adult Red Riding Hood will be on the racks this coming holiday. Some of which will probably be Sexy Red Riding Hood Dresses.

When Little Red Riding Hood set out into the woods on that warm spring day in about 1321 or so, little did she know that she was to encounter not only the Big Bad Wolf, but a sales funnel so irresistible she would fall for it like a kitten for a saucer of milk. Little Red's intention was only to bring some warm currant buns to her dear old granny, but as soon as she set her foot on the path into the forest that day, she found herself walking straight into the mouth of a sales funnel. "What a lovely red hood you have on," said the Big Bad Wolf. "Why thank you," said Little Red, thus responding with interest and beginning her first step into the slippery slope of Wolfie's steep and irresistible sales funnel. Next, the Wolf intensified Little Red's interest by asking her even more about herself: "And where might you be going this fine spring day, my pretty?" And, as you might expect, Little Red stepped a little further into his sales funnel by answering him with information he could use: "Why, to my dear Granny's house, to bring her these warm currant buns."

The wolf sniffed appreciatively at the basket, and proceeded to do a little more "market research" on Little Red (they didn't have agencies to do this kind of thing back then). "Those are lovely smelling buns. And where might Dear Granny live?" To which, of course, Little Red replied with the desired information, thus stepping further into the sales funnel by inviting future communication with the wolf. The difference of this year's movie compared to 2008 version is the promise of a romantic twist to the story. It is something to look up to. We do not know how they would include that spice but all we know for now is that it is trying to capture the Twilight fans with the starting move of hiring its director. You may know how this part of the story goes, but what you may not know is how obviously it follows the pattern of a great sales funnel, so I will recount it for you here with a little sales funnel commentary on the side. Then, he proceeded to elicit empathy and even ask for her help (a sly twist that you can add to make your funnel even more irresistible). "I'm not feeling well dear, won't you come over and fluff the pillows for me?"

Friday, December 2, 2011

Funny Story: Large Pocket And Small Pocket

Wang Lin for almost three years old, the poor family not to marry the daughter. Wang Lin, the same age in the village and have been married to guy, and have a child. Whenever I see people in the child leaping in the village to play, one thinks of his son not to marry on a fast thirty-law, felt very uncomfortable! Marriage to his son to live a long anxious night of imported old son can not sleep, when I thought to give her son to marry a wife back home. Worry ah! If the wife to marry his son, the father thought, that is dead can close your eyes. This would also like her mother, in the village some big joke, she said her son had not married her daughter under the old two imports can not hack it, I believe this evil, near to a matchmaker to find dozens of things I did not have done to make my son to wife did not explain in the vicinity, then I go away tomorrow, my children, said a matchmaker to find a wife. Kung Fu is not really non-righteously. Day, her mother is kang Wang Lin to his son pull soles, Suddenly someone called her: "Wang Mah home?"

Mama put shoes on the kang Wang Lin side Xiakang side promised. See her come out of the house to go far to find her that day to see the first female matchmaker matchmaker, matchmaker pleased to lead the woman to the house, said: "She Zhang Yi sit down first break for a while, I'll give you pour." Wang Lin mother poured some water cup boiling water, then put some sugar with a spoon to stir a few on the bottom front of a matchmaker. Zhang matchmaker said: "I give your son a real bite wife, her name is Min, two years younger than your son this year was 26. Who long to almost, that is not clothes. Just do engage in cooking I put your home to explain the situation to her parents, others agree. I have come home to your son that your wife, Wang Mah you listen to this truth is not ready? " Dr. Lin Wang pleased replied: "I heard like, I like to listen to as long as cooking, clothes will not do it does not matter, since I have children to make clothes." Zhang matchmaker see the marriage became very happy, said: "You two agree, then look at first marriage set a good day." Wang said Dr. Lin agrees: "It's to do, etc. I put my old man back to tell him something, called him to ask where Mr. Nishimura yin and yang, good day to be a marriage." Although Wang Minzhe not do clothes, since married to the father, and Wang Lin, her mother is still very filial daughter love this old couple. Young couple is also very harmonious, married six years, Wang Minsheng four children, two men and two women. Children to clothes thanks to two old mother to do. As more children clothes bear weight, Wang Lin had to go out to do business to make money to feed their families with the uncle.

Both the elderly alive, children do not lack clothes. However, both the elderly eleven departure, combined with Wang Lin to do business with two or three years out uncle came back to lie down at home. Sons and daughters not to wear clothes, which can be difficult to live up to the Min? Have the money to buy clothes that do business with her husband out to make money is not easy, I can not squandering it! After much deliberation Min decided to do their own market to buy some cloth. The next morning, Wang went to sleep by the children market to buy back the cloth, she would not sew sewing clothes by size, four bags of imports. The kids wake up, Wang told they got into the pockets of their imports, not sensible to think that drilling children on fun in bags of imported toilet outside all day in addition to not come out easily.
Day, Wang Lin came back just entered the room from the outside, toward the wife on the kang shout: "Big bags of imported small pockets, give you great dad roll out. Sons and daughters to hear your mother cry, a pocket drilled from imports. Wang Lin saw this scene both angry and funny, complaining wife said: "I do not give money to take along your back? How the children do not buy clothes."

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Story Of Radiant And The Wolf


Because there is no catch sheep, poor Wolf Red Wolf has been severely beaten, yelled Gouxue head, out of Wolfsburg. Wolf no choice but to limp back to step three to go. Nowhere to go to Wolf unwittingly came to the front of the village sheep, "hey, or do sheep okay, everywhere there is grass, do not beaten curse." I kept thinking, thought it hit just miserable , can not help but weep bitter stream, howling: "I no longer want the wolf, and I no longer want the wolf, and I do the sheep!" he finished, raised the white flag to surrender. The radiant being sentry saw Wolf Lang Beixiang convulsed with laughter, can not believe it will become the Wolf is good, then kind of slowly Yang Yang village just passing, it is pitiful to see Wolf, moved compassion, said: "it repented it."

At night, hungry to Wolf and playing a bad idea, it wants: sheep do not eat so much, that it is a fool! It secretly went to the door lazy, and before opening the door, saliva has to flow out, suddenly the alarm rang, Wolf scared a stagger down to the ground, only a sledgehammer and fall, Wolf in the middle of the head, it groggy not figure out what was locked up in a cage. The original radiant had expected to vicious Wolf, die hard, planted a body, which under the gray wolf can be miserable!

The next day, still groggy Wolf pushed to the bazaar, selling the radiant loudly: "Come buy a sheep Yeah, dressed in sheep skins to buy it not only pick up a white weasel can also be shearing it, come buy it! "wonderful cries attracted a constant stream of viewers, the gray wolf to a packed. Finally, a good fat petty cheaper to buy a Wolf, he said smugly: "can pick up a great deal Yes, a weasel to do bed, cut some wool can be knit every day, so fat sheep effort will not be small, but also to transport it to pull a cart firewood it, too, huh, huh! work hard ah, Mr. Wolf! "make a face radiant, beckoned toward the Wolf," Damn the radiant, I will be back! "Wolf cried feebly, helplessly being taken away. No way, radiant had opened the door to the village sheep.

Morning, slow Yang Yang village solemnly announced: "After Wolf is a member of our village, sheep, and after we pay more attention to it! Dinner now!" Fresh to the grass side up, they delight in eating lamb , Wolf, we also learn to look carefully chewing a few mouthfuls of his face changed, "Ah, bitter and astringent, good distasteful it!" It's frowned Yingyan down, and then clutching his stomach, grimacing way back to the house.

Friday, November 25, 2011

The Funny Story Of Donald Duck

Donald duck is a famous Walt Disney character. His first appearance was in Little White Hens in 1934 and has been famous ever since. His full name is Donald Fauntleroy Duck and he is famous for having a bad temper and being extremely lazy. His romantic partner is Daisy Duck. Donald has been one of the most famous characters ever created by Walt Disney; he was illustrated by animator Dick Lundy. Donald has been around for seven decades now and he is still highly popular with kids.As a character, he bridges the gap among generations. Your parents know him from when they were kids, you used to watch him on television when you were a kid and perhaps your kids still watch some of his cartoon shows on TV. The fact is Donald Duck will never die. He is a character known and loved by many, especially those who grew up watching him on television.

Start by making the beak, this can be done by cutting cardboard and covering it up in yellow construction paper or if you have a yellow visor, that can be much easier as it is already shaped like a beak. Don't forget to add nostrils on the upper part of the visor to make the illusion of a nose.It all began when Judge Harold Greene ruled AT&T a monopoly in 1982 and broke that company into pieces. When that happened, the vice-like hold on telephone ownership was broken. No longer did you have to pay the phone company monthly rent for a five-pound black telephone.they just didn't sound right. It's more psychological than anything, a nagging realization that something is amiss. That little alarm bell may even have changed your impression of the person on the other end, and all because of the quality of the telephone voice.

You can use orange construction paper or felt paper to cover your shoes with. You can make webs by cutting the edge of the paper to make three toes. If you have a sailor costume already, you can just alter it a little bit to replicate Donald Duck's clothes. Don't forget to add his hat as this is a vital part of the costume.It can be more fun making your own Donald Duck costume than buying them premade as it shows off your creative side and you can tell everyone that you made it yourself. Donald Duck's popularity will never fade.Then some of the birds turned mean: They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud: They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Injured peple

Such was the case when I was driving to the mall the other day. I was halted at the traffic light, while my injured leg was throbbing, ( having sat in the driver's seat position for 20 minutes now), and I glanced over at the crosswalk to see a bag lady, waiting for the walk sign to change so she could walk across the road.

She started to put her bags down and go to the pole where the buttons were to push to allow the walk sign to change, and she would just pound on both of the buttons. I assume she thought that the more she pushed the buttons, the faster the light would change.

So then she goes back to her bags, picks them up and gets ready to cross the street. I can view in her face that she is getting more upset. All of sudden she drop kicks the bag in her right hand, sending all of its contents flying all over the sidewalk! By now I am cracking up with laughter. She drops the other bag and goes back to the pole and starts hammering on the buttons again! I am not thinking about my injured leg at this point.

She then goes to pick up her belongings, sprinkling sparkling dust from one of the bags all over the sidewalk. She picks up both bags, waits a second, and then when the light does change, shebegins to walk across the street. It was just hilarious, and I so wished I had a video camera at the moment to record her moment of frustration!

This funny incident took me away from the reality of my injury, and reconfirmed my belief to enjoy the little things in life while you can.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Funny stories about dogs


Rats
The old lady was taking a walk with her dachhound. She meets a couple of members of a gang of youths who ride about in big American cars in leather jackets. They look big and tuff:
One of them tells the lady:
- I can see that the rats are big this year.
The old lady replies:
- And leatherjackets have they got also!

Test your dog...
When I was taking a course in dog psykology the instructor told me that a good way to test your dog was to pretend to fall and play wounded. A dog with a bad temper should try to bite his owner, while a good dog should lick him in the face and show concern.
One night when I was sitting in my livingroom eating pizza I decided to test his theory on my two dogs. I stood up and put my hand to my chest, made a scream and fell down on the floor.
The dogs gave me a quick glance at each other - rushed to the table and ate my pizza.

The mushroom...
A nice old lady had a party. She served mushrooms that she had found in the forest herself. To make sure that they were alright she had given her dog some pieces of the mushroom.
When the guests arrived she told them about her way to test the mushrooms and also said that the dog was feeling very well. After the dinner the maid came running screaming:
- The dog is dead!
The guests and the old lady was brought to the hospital and treated.
When they came back the maid said:
- The truck driver is here to talk to madam.
- What truck driver?
- The one who hit the dog!

Friday, November 11, 2011

Tell Me Why You Are 5 Minutes Late Coming Home?

Japanese have done it again.  A new Android app can track where your husband / wife / boyfriend / girlfriend is.  You get to play Detective Fletcher at the comfort of your own home or anywhere.  No more driving around and following.  Go!  Go get those cheaters!

Oh, and it comes with this movie as an extra bonus too.  100 years ago, a Japanese samurai came back from far far away because he used the same app and found his wife cheating.  He rushed into the house and killed them all.


    Here’s how Karelog works.  Grab your BFs Android cell phone when hes not around, make sure his software is Android 2.2 or later, download the Karelog app and install it.  Youll need to provide an ID and password but dont tell him.  Then the fun really gets going… or actually when your boyfriend gets going on his typical day of cheating, back-stabbing and fooling around.  Heh, the poor slobs probably just going home to his loving wife & kids, but I digress.      Once your Elvis has left the building, sashay over to your computer and log into the Karelog website with your ID and password.  The sites GPS tracker kicks in and pinpoints the dirty rats precise location to within a meter.  Or a meter-maid, perhaps.

    Android App tells you where your boyfriend / husband / girlfriend / wife is!!!

    via Android App Allows Jealous Girls to Remotely Follow Their Boyfriends.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Ronald Reagan Couldn't Get Elected Today

The Republican presidential candidates love to point to President Reagan as the inspiration for everything they do.

And that's understandable. Given the passage of time, President Reagan is almost universally loved.

But this new wholesale worship of The Gipper ignores an inconvenient truth, as the Economist pointed out this weekend:

Today, Ronald Reagan could never win the GOP nomination.

Imagine a Republican candidate trying to win the GOP nomination with these outrageous beliefs today. The man would be howled out of town!

The broader story here, as the Economist observes, is that the Great Silent Majority of reasonable Americans are being ignored in the rush to pander to extremists. This, by the way, is happening on both sides of the aisle, as Republicans fight about who plans to cut government spending and taxes the most and Obama turns to fat-cat bashing and class warfare.

The answer to the country's problems lies in the middle, with a candidate who can mobilize reasonable people, not extremists, and take the painful but necessary (and reasonable) steps to getting the country back on track.


These steps will involve both raising taxes (gradually, on those who can afford it) AND cutting government spending.  And the sooner the country grows up and realizes that, the better.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

6 Reasons Mississippians Said No to "Personhood" Amendment

Only a few months ago strategists were urging their candidates in Mississippi to stay clear of the "Personhood" initiative they'd be sharing space with on the ballot. More than a few candidates, believing it was the only safe path, chose to take a public position in support of the measure defining human life as existing at the moment of conception (or cloning, or a twinkle in an eye). Disease, rape, incest not counting as exceptions. Nothing would. Felonies for everyone.

Mississippi has a massively conservative voting base and heavily entrenched conservative politicians and institutions. Polling showed white and black voters overwhelmingly favored the initiative.

In January, I sat in the lobby of a Washington, DC hotel with a group looking for ideas on how to defeat Personhood. My advice, partly, based on my experiences with races in the South, polling data and my personal knowledge as a native Mississippian was to assume its passage, run a singularly grassroots operation and craft a campaign that would look beyond Election Day. Fortunately, I did suggest a flexible campaign with data collection and growth capacity in case the unexpected happened and defeating the measure came into play.

The unexpected happened. Mississippians defeated "Personhood" driving a stake in the heart of a movement that was planning on sweeping, state by state, through the nation.

Why did they lose in arguably the most conservative state in the Union? Why did the anti-Personhood forces win a majority of the vote in Mississippi? Here are six reasons Personhood failed in Mississippi:

6.) The Personhood Initiative language was poorly crafted and made for bad policy. Doctors, for instance, became concerned about the legality of carrying out their oath to save lives. Medical groups organized. This created a foundation for thoughtful people to begin speaking out. Policy generally doesn't win elections but it does create the intellectual depth political passion and message need to prevail.

5.) Clergy stood up and said no. The Episcopal and Methodist Bishops for Mississippi publicly opposed the measure. The Catholic Bishop would not support it instead offering a critical critique. This empowered other ministers to begin speaking out. By the numbers, nothing trumps Southern Baptists in Mississippi, and their leaders remained lividly in support of Personhood. But, Methodists are the second largest denomination in the state, the Episcopal bishop and his family are legendary profiles in courage for Mississippians and the Catholic bishop's pro-life credentials brought attention to his refusal to support the measure. The clergy who spoke out provided a moral framework for the bad policy argument and an even larger moral foundation for voters.

4.) Haley Barbour, the Guv himself, publicly raised concerns about the implications of the measure; right before saying would vote for it. But, he chose to share his concerns. Why? I have no idea. He's an excellent political strategist. Like President Clinton, he's his best strategist. I find it hard to believe he didn't speak out knowing he would have an impact against the measure. He did. Haley "green lighted" many to do what they wanted to do. Vote no.

3.) The Mississippi NAACP announced their opposition to the measure. Derrick Johnson is the president. He is about as courageous and shrewd as they come. He took a stand. And, you know what? The large percentage of black Mississippians supporting Personhood began to crumble. It was leadership in action. And, it changed the outcome. A voting majority began forming of African Americans, white Democrats and upper middle class, educated white conservatives.

2.) "Mississippians for Healthy Families" organized; then they organized the state around defeating personhood. It was this group that brought together the policy concerns, messaging and grassroots organizing that synergized the opposition. Prior to the existence of "Mississippians for Healthy Families" there were only voices in the wilderness throughout the state in search of a movement. This gave them a movement. They connected these voices and brought depth, know-how and resources. Basically, they turned the opposition into a campaign; a winning campaign. Perhaps, "Mississippians for Healthy Families" has a second legacy in creating the largest and most powerful progressive database and organization in Mississippi.

1.) The forces who brought Personhood before the public insulted the intellectual and cultural sensibilities of thousands of Mississippians. They assumed Mississippi would be a cake walk. They provided grandma's 1970's abortion language that didn't speak to many younger, yet conservative, Mississippians. They were sloppy in their organizing and flippant about their opposition; condescending. Their official Personhood website looks like my child's 4th grade class designed it.

I talked to many Mississippians leading up to Election Day; acquaintance after acquaintance, folks I grew up with and know as devout social conservatives. And, to the last one they were voting NO on Personhood. They were turned off by those leading the Personhood campaign. They were insulted by the assumptions of how they thought and that they were supposed to follow the leader without question. They didn't.

There's a lesson here about showing up in Mississippi without your game face on. As the Ford Expedition set grows in the 'burbs with their venti bolds in the cup holders so does the sophistication. Don't bet the farm unless you've invested in the crops. Otherwise, you will lose. Ask the people of Personhood.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Passengers held at station after woman reports sighting

Passengers were forced to remain on board a train for two hours at Shepley station in Yorkshire on Sunday after police received a report of a lion on the loose in the vicinity.

West Yorkshire police received a call at 3.30pm from a woman saying she had spotted a lion as she was driving through Shepley, near Huddersfield. Officers say they believe the woman was a genuine caller but, after a two hour search involving a police helicopter and 12 officers, the inquiry was brought to a close with no lions found, and no further sightings.
Inspector Carlton Young, of West Yorkshire police, said: "We've had unconfirmed reports of a lion or a lion cub in the area. We've had officers looking around. We've had nothing confirmed and we've not located anyone who is claiming to have lost an animal."
National Rail Enquiries wrote on its Twitter feed on Sunday: "Passengers are currently unable to alight from trains at Shepley due to reports by police of a lion in the area." It later issued an update that normal service had been resumed.
In May a police helicopter was scrambled after a white tiger was spotted in a field near Hedge End, Southampton.
Specialist staff from Marwell Zoo were called to advise and potentially tranquillise the animal and a golf course was evacuated. But as police officers approached it they realised it was not moving and the helicopter crew, using thermal imaging equipment, ascertained that there was no heat source coming from it. The tiger turned out to be a stuffed toy.

Friday, November 4, 2011

The Airlines the New Dracula

I am surprised that no one would help her with the extra $30 so she could check both bags initially.  I wondered if she asked people around her to help out.  Even with $5 each, she only needed to find 6 people.  But the whole story is just ridiculous.  The airlines could turn $60 into $210 (change fees + baggage fees) then to $1000 for re-booking.  Absurd.  What airlines is this?  U.S. Airways.  Who flies this piece of shit airlines nowadays?

Wessigner had nothing but an airline ticket and $30 in her pocket.  The U.S. Airways agent checking her in told her that it was cost $60 to check both her bags. Weissinger offered to pay the fee when she arrived in Idaho, but the agent declined.  She also offered to leave one bag there at the San Francisco Airport.  That, the agent explained, would be in violation of security regulations.

Wessigner’s next move was to try to scare up the full fee by calling friends in the area.  She came up empty, and by the time she’d finished working the phones, she missed her flight.  That’s when things started to get truly Kafka-esque.  To get a new flight “she’d have to pay her bag fees plus $150 in change fees,” Finney notes. Without a place to stay nearby, Weissinger stayed the night at the airport.  She awoke to more bad news: U.S. Airlines explained that, since she couldn’t pay a change fee, she’d have to book a new flight from scratch.  That would run about $1,000.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The inside story of how Microsoft killed its Courier tablet

Steve Ballmer had a dilemma. He had two groups at Microsoft pursuing competing visions for tablet computers.

One group, led by Xbox godfather J Allard, was pushing for a sleek, two-screen tablet called the Courier that users controlled with their finger or a pen. But it had a problem: It was running a modified version of Windows.

That ran headlong into the vision of tablet computing laid out by Steven Sinofsky, the head of Microsoft's Windows division. Sinofsky was wary of any product--let alone one from inside Microsoft's walls--that threatened the foundation of Microsoft's flagship operating system. But Sinofsky's tablet-friendly version of Windows was more than two years away.

For Ballmer, it wasn't an easy call. Allard and Sinofsky were key executives at Microsoft, both tabbed as the next-generation brain trust. So Ballmer sought advice from the one tech visionary he's trusted more than any other over the decades--Bill Gates. Ballmer arranged for Microsoft's chairman and co-founder to meet for a few hours with Allard; his boss, Entertainment and Devices division President Robbie Bach; and two other Courier team members.

At one point during that meeting in early 2010 at Gates' waterfront offices in Kirkland, Wash., Gates asked Allard how users get e-mail. Allard, Microsoft's executive hipster charged with keeping tabs on computing trends, told Gates his team wasn't trying to build another e-mail experience. He reasoned that everyone who had a Courier would also have a smartphone for quick e-mail writing and retrieval and a PC for more detailed exchanges. Courier users could get e-mail from the Web, Allard said, according to sources familiar with the meeting.

But the device wasn't intended to be a computer replacement; it was meant to complement PCs. Courier users wouldn't want or need a feature-rich e-mail application such as Microsoft's Outlook that lets them switch to conversation views in their inbox or support offline e-mail reading and writing. The key to Courier, Allard's team argued, was its focus on content creation. Courier was for the creative set, a gadget on which architects might begin to sketch building plans, or writers might begin to draft documents.

"This is where Bill had an allergic reaction," said one Courier worker who talked with an attendee of the meeting. As is his style in product reviews, Gates pressed Allard, challenging the logic of the approach.

It's not hard to understand Gates' response. Microsoft makes billions of dollars every year on its Exchange e-mail server software and its Outlook e-mail application. While heated debates are common in Microsoft's development process, Gates' concerns didn't bode well for Courier. He conveyed his opinions to Ballmer, who was gathering data from others at the company as well.

The story of Microsoft's Courier has only been told in pieces. And nothing has been disclosed publicly about the infighting that led to the innovative device's death. This article was pieced together through interviews with 18 current and former Microsoft executives, as well as contractors and partners who worked on the project. None of the Microsoft employees, both current and former, would talk for attribution because they worried about potential repercussions. Microsoft's top spokesman, Frank Shaw, offered only a brief comment for this story and otherwise declined to make Microsoft's senior executives available.

"At any given time, we're looking at new ideas, investigating, testing, incubating them," Shaw said in a statement when word leaked in April 2010 that Courier had been cancelled. "It's in our DNA to develop new form factors and natural user interfaces to foster productivity and creativity. The Courier project is an example of this type of effort. It will be evaluated for use in future offerings, but we have no plans to build such a device at this time."

While the internal fight over Courier occurred about 18 months ago, the implications of the decision to kill the incubation project reverberate today. Rather than creating a touch computing device that might well have launched within a few months of Apple's iPad, which debuted in April 2010, Microsoft management chose a strategy that's forcing it to come from behind. The company cancelled Courier within a few weeks of the iPad's launch. Now it plans to rely on Windows 8, the operating system that will likely debut at the end of next year, to run tablets.

Courier's death also offers a detailed look into Microsoft's Darwinian approach to product development and the balancing act between protecting its old product franchises and creating new ones. The company, with 90,000 employees, has plenty of brilliant minds that can come up with revolutionary approaches to computing. But sometimes, their creativity is stalled by process, subsumed in other products, or even sacrificed to protect the company's Windows and Office empires.

Monday, October 31, 2011

I Got All the Exercise I Needed Today

After I landed at the Detroit airport, I was looking for Delta’s Skyclub to relax, recharge, and freebie drinks.  Since my layover was about 3 hours, I was in no hurry to find one.  I checked the “You Are Here” map and saw that there was one on either side of Concourse A.  Since I was on the north side of the concourse, I thought I was lucky and could find it right away.  I walked around and around and could not see it.  There was no sign anywhere that told you where the damn club was.  So I thought I’d go to the upper level and took the train to the other side of the concourse to find the club there.  Once I got to the upper level, the club was right there.  Duh!  Why was there no sign anywhere that put an arrow pointing up to tell idiots like me how to find the club?

I stood in front of the automatic doors and nothing happened.  I knocked.  And knocked.  Nothing happened.  How odd.  I had to go to the other side anyway if they wouldn’t let me into this one.  I boarded the train and began my journey to the other side of the world.  Once I got there, same thing happened.  Doors were tightly shut.  Automatic doors were not automatic at all.  Then I saw the tiniest sign by the door that told you the club closed on Saturdays.

I was annoyed.  Why Saturdays?  Why not Sundays?  Or Mondays just to piss of those business people?  I took the train back to the south side since my boarding gate was there.  I began to enjoy the train rides.

Since there was no club, I’d better find a seat that was close to an outlet so I could charge my dying phone and dying laptop.  Then I saw a gate agent.  I thought I’d nothing to lose and ask her why Delta decided to close clubs on Saturdays in Detroit.

Me:  Excuse me.  Why is the Skyclub closed today?

Agent:  Closed?  They’re not closed.  The main one is open.  Only the two satellite ones on both sides of the concourse are closed.

Me:  Main one?  There is a main one?

Agent:  You are new to Detroit, aren’t you?  Hahahaha…

Me:  Hahahaha…  Yes.  Very new.  (I sang) Like a virgin…

Agent:  The main one is located near gate 41.  Take the train and get off at the first stop.  The club is there.

Me:  I feel like a silly goose.  I took the train all the way to the other side and found the club closed.  I then took the train all the way back here.  I didn’t even know there was one right in between.

I thanked her and got on my way.  Fortunately, I had 3 hours because I needed every minute of them to find the “SECRET CLUB.”

Friday, October 28, 2011

Where’s the Beef?

The 47-year-old Louisianan became upset Sunday night when her bottle of “Tequila Rose,” a strawberry cream liqueur, would not fit in the freezer at her Houma home. She expressed her displeasure by removing a frozen slab of beef and flinging it at her boyfriend’s head, according to cops.The meat hit its mark, opening a bloody gash on the face of Jerry Voisin, her live-in 51-year-old beau.As a result, Verdin was arrested for aggravated battery, according to a press release from Terrebonne Parish Sheriff Vernon Bourgeois.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Netflix shifting focus away from DVDs to streaming

It’s no secret to anyone familiar with what Netflix has endured in the last few months that the online rental business is on the defense.

Netflix’s current damage control strategy is all about focusing on digital streaming subscriptions and backing off from pushing by-mail DVD rentals. We’re still a long ways off from Netflix giving up on DVDs entirely, but it might not be that long until DVDs fall into the shadows — at least from a marketing perspective.

See also: Netflix’s debacle continues: Fourth quarter outlook horrid

“The future is brightest by focusing on streaming,” asserted CEO Reed Hastings during a Q&A conference call with investors on Monday. When asked about discounting hybrid DVD-streaming subscriptions, Hastings acknowledged that Netflix could do that, but there isn’t as much interest in subsidizing DVDs in comparison to discounting streaming.

Hastings went so far as to compare DVD by-mail rentals now to what AOL dial-up Internet subscriptions became in the late 2000s: a long-term residual market with variable costs that is steadily declining every year.

CFO David Wells added that the long-term margin for streaming will be driven by how many competitors Netflix has, but he anticipates that the growth of streaming subscribers to outpace content addition over the next year.

“Netflix is not the only service that our subscribers use to source their entertainment,” Wells acknowledged, confirming that many subscribers that also use other rental services such as Redbox to supplement content.

Hastings also responded about the competition, posting that the digital streaming industry will clamor around promoting exclusive deals more and more

“Relative to paid television, it’s not a zero-sum game,” Hastings said. “Many people, including me, subscribe to HBO because it’s got incredible content, in addition to Netflix.”

However, Netflix executives replied that they had not seen any impact from new products from competitors — specifically Dish’s Blockbuster Movie Pass or Amazon Instant Video.

Reflecting the loss of 800,000 customers during the third quarter that stemmed from price hikes and the Qwikster debacle, Hastings admitted that when budgets are tight, consumers figure out a hierarchy of the ones they want to keep most.

The goal for Netflix, Hastings posited, is to win those customers, touting Netflix’s “pure on-demand experience” with personalized features that make it easier to discover content one might not have known exists.

“The focus for us is building back our reputation and brand strength,” Hastings concluded. “But that’s not through grand gestures.”

Monday, October 24, 2011

Today autumn leave to pat or invite Wu Yan

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Friday, October 21, 2011

First Dates of Purl

Purl woke up the next morning to see that one of the ghosts had broken her computer.  It’s not like she ever used it, but you would think that they would be more careful.  As it was, it was just one more thing for her to worry about.

She was too busy getting ready for her first day as an Aquatic Ecosystem Tweaker to worry about that at the moment though.  Taking care of fish was completely different than rescuing her coworkers from carnivorous plants all day long, and hopefully it would be easier.  Plus, she was right across the hall from Victor now and could flirt with him all day long if she wanted.  Definitely a win-win.

After work she took Victor out on a date.  They started with a nice dinner out.

They followed dinner with a walk around the nearby park.

Before they said goodnight, Purl snuck a kiss.  They promised to hang out at work the next day during lunch.

When she got home, she was in such a good mood that she didn’t even mind fixing the computer.  Really, it wasn’t so different than the useless contraptions she used to have to work with on a daily basis back at the lab.

The ghosts did seem to appreciate it.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Life Continues

Purl was promoted not long after returning to work.  She now was doing top secret work for the government.  It was quite an exiting step upwards!

 

In the meantime, Victor continued to fiddle with scrap down in the basement.

Sure, he occasionally set himself on fire.  What inventor doesn’t?  It was all part of the fun and the long tradition of inventing.

The next time her father showed up, Purl had lots of good news to relate to him.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Strangest Wal Mart Customer

  Dear Mrs. Denner,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away."
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

America vs. Russia

  The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Friday, October 7, 2011

I Know This Laywer

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"

Thursday, October 6, 2011

CEO Party

A CEO (and member of Forbes 400!) throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"

Monday, October 3, 2011

EuroEnglish

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": -- In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c"..

Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Persistent Idiot

  I manage a simple web site for my employer (a small charity), and owing to the purchase of a domain name I emailed the details of the new URL to several website owners who were known to have maintained links to us at our old address.
A couple weeks later I received this message:
"Dear John" (my name is not John). "Please send me your advertising rates"
A simple request. The only problem is that we have never carried advertising. I emailed him back:
"Dear ***, Thanks for your enquiry, but I am afraid that we do not carry advertising within our website"
Message returns:
"Dear John" (Doh!) "Yes, I would like to advertise on your web site - please let me know how much it will cost."
I replied in much the same vein as before i.e. We do not carry advertising. We will never carry advertising. We have never carried advertising. There are no rates. Go away.
Message returns:
"Dear John" (I'm getting tired of being called John). "I would like to renew the advertising that I had with you a while back. How much does it cost now?"
By now I'm getting a little pissed. I reply.
"Dear ***, As I have stated repeatedly, we have never carried advertising within our website. You cannot therefore renew advertising that we have never carried. In the unlikely event that we should start to carry advertising in the future then you will be the first to know, but don't hold your breath. In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you would stop sending me requests for our advertising rates. We don't have any. Furthermore, my name is _not_ John (as you may see by reading the sig at the bottom of every message I have sent)."
Message returns yesterday:
"Dear John" (AAAAAAARGH!). "I enclose my copy for the advertising......."
My reply:
(Several hundred swear words deleted.)
"Dear ***, as you obviously do not understand plain English, try this for size. CONSIDER YOURSELF KILLFILED.
Actually I didn't send that reply - I just wish I had. He has, however, been added to my bozo list. I wonder if the schlemeil is gonna be visiting the web site daily, looking for his advertising.......

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

4 Sons

  These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Dog that takes you into the Bar

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they say to each other "I'm thirsty." They see a nearby bar and walk up to it.
Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said NO DOGS. They thought for awhile to try to figure out what they should do with no luck. Suddenly, the man with the doberman said, "I have an idea! Do what I do."
The man put on his sunglasses, walked up to the door and tried to get in but a big muscular man stopped him. "Where do you think you're going?" asked the big man. "This is my seeing-eye dog." said the man hoping for good feedback. "Alrighty mister, go right in." said the big man. The doberman man walked in.
The second man slipped his sunglasses on and did the same as the first man. "Where are you going?" asked the big man. "I'm going into the bar, this is my seeing-eye dog." he said. "A chihuahua?" asked the big man with suspicion. The other man, playing his part yelled, "They gave me a chihuahua!?"

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Bar Story

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death.
However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really.
There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground. Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real ------- when you're drunk!"

A Son's Bad Dream

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

Sunday, September 25, 2011

The king's daughter


    Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic -- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?
They were M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?)

Friday, September 23, 2011

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.

Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.

The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.

This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Adventurous Dining


A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "running of the Bulls" festival.
After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

First Job


A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot."
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Run

I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes.

However, I must share the following: 
After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute.
A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return. A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.
So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !